Tongue-in-cheek advice on how to be more self-centered, cynical, and most importantly, hilariously inappropriate. People say that what you give is what you get. That you need to slow down and soak in life. Stop and smell the bacon. People will also tell you that the essence of joy is found within the appreciation of the little things.
Simply put, those people are idiots. Planting a garden will leave you with sore knees and throbbing blisters. Taking the scenic route will make you tardy. Furthermore, you cannot pay your mortgage with the laughter of children. Anyone can hold a door open for a stranger.
However, it takes a rare and special breed to trip them in the process. Not surprisingly, the bulk of society frowns on that sort of behavior. So we offer you this black cloud of unconventional wisdom to quell those dark urges; a collection of joyfully inappropriate wishful thinking that would dampen the days of those near and not so dear. So we urge you, hesitant reader, to plant your tongue firmly in cheek and prepare to learn the secrets of living a truly rich and full life. "Dance like nobody's watching. Then apologize to those who were." "Tape record your mother's laughter.
Play it at your father's funeral." "Be big enough to admit your mistakes. Then take them all out for happy meals." "To battle the blues, try exercising. Still down? Try cutting yourself." "Every year, send out a dozen Christmas cards.
All addressed to your Jewish neighbor." "Ignorance may be bliss, but it's also expensive. You poor, happy idiot." "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Check for an Adam's apple." "Find someone who can always be trusted.
Then find a unicorn that farts rainbows." "Start a standing ovation at a grade-school play. Stand and boo." "Learn a new card trick! Then show it to your dog.
Seriously, no one else cares." "Obey all ten commandments. Nerd." "DiGiorgio's as dry as a martini at the Tanqueray distillery, as caustic as a Drano milkshake, as funny as a banana peel on the floor of the Republican convention." - The Austin Chronicle "For a comic who's still a baby in the business, Mario's got no hacky shit in his act." - Nick Dipaolo, comedian